Do not hit on me when...

I promised a friend a post dedicated to "the fine men of Delhi." I opted for mockery masquering as advice.

Men in India seem to believe, mistakenly, that the West is some Elysian sexual paradise where dudes never get shot down.  Unfortunately, that's just not the case - Darwin's theories are, it turns out, not bound by geography.  Still, whether it's lecherous policemen, clueless colleagues, smirking clubgoers or overhelpful shopkeepers, (many, not all!) men in this country simply do not seem to know when to quit.

This post is for them.
Do NOT hit on me when...

1.  You are the policeman assigned to make a case report on a possible burglary at my place of residence.

2.  I board your bus and ask if you stop at the Ring Road.  You do now?  That's great. Keep your eyes on the road.

3.  I'm in the hospital, waiting at the bedside of someone I love who is seriously, seriously ill.

4.  I'm in the hospital.

5.  Your wife and children are standing mere yards away.

6.  You have a live-in girlfriend of several years whom you'd rather not talk about because "it isn't that serious" and "she's really just a roommate, anyway."

7. You're wearing a leopard-print turban and we've all had a few too many drinks at the Taj.  I can adjust my nametag myself, thanks.

8.  You're an elephant handler.  This isn't a circus.

9.  You've just finished taking a piss by the side of the road.

10. You've just tried to sell my friend some possibly illegal item in an alley, then brushed off your jacket and proclaimed, "Even the police can't touch me."

11.  There's one of me, six of you and your friends, and it's late at night on a deserted South Delhi road.

12.  We happen to be staying at the same hotel, and the doors don't lock properly.

13.  The cost of your car could feed a village for a year.  All I see is four wheels and a whole lot of nerve.

14.  I got into your auto.  (And you didn't even go by the meter.  Seriously.)

15.  ...you think I know who your father is.

16.  ...you feel the need to tell me who your father is.  He owns a hotel in Karol Bagh?  I thought so.

17.  The bar has just shut down, my friends look lost and you "know where the real party is."

18.  You don't know the difference between "your" and "ur."

19.  You understand what the hell this emoticon means: ({})

20.  You're not wearing pants. Seriously, dude, those aren't pants.

21.  You've just charged me Rs. 1000 when the sign says Rs. 100.  I may have an American accent, but that doesn't mean I can't read.

22. You've just stolen my friend's purse.

23.You've just tried hitting on my friend, and failed.  Love isn't like Wheel of Fortune; sometimes, you only get one spin.

24.  Your opening line is "so, your name sounds like it could be the name of a stripper."

25.  Your opening line is, "wait, let me guess your cup size."

26.  You're engaged, and everyone knows it.

27.  You're engaged, and no one knows it.

28.  You think drunk driving is only a crime if someone gets caught.

29.  There's multicolored embroidery on the back pockets of your pants.

30.  Your Facebook profile picture is a Bollywood movie star.

31.  You think a wild night out is Thursday cocktails at the Delhi Gymkhana.

32.  Your opening line is, "I really want a six-pack, but so far I've only got four..."  Also, "gymming" is not actually a verb.

33.  Your opening line is, "Want to go back to my house?  I've got full power backup."

34.  Your shaadi.com profile says, "I prefer a woman who doesn't look bored in bed."

35.  Your shaadi.com profile.  Full stop.

36.   I'm friends with your daughter. No thanks, Uncle.

37.  You refer to yourself as the "King of Twitter."

38.  "So what do you do?" "I'm an entrepreneur."  "What does your company do?"  "It's really too complex to explain to someone who isn't an expert in the field."

39.  "So what do you do?"  "I'm an entrepreneur."  "What does your company do?"  "[Five hour long monologue.]"